travis in training

potluck planter: by jules

A more accurate description of the beer flavored
momentum that drove foofer into the plants would
be "barreled". Whilst on the sidewalk giving some
chick my rap, which she dug, a spectacular
bespectacled sandal shod blur of questionable
sexuality kind-of cartwheeled over the iron wrought
things that protect the fagile spring flower sprouts
which try in vain to bring a whisper of dignity and
innocent vitality to an otherwise perverse length of
the 18th street ...pock marked with vomit, drunks and
shameful collegiate whores who have no right trying to
fit that much tits, ass and cottage cheese into so
little halter-top and stretch denim.

A passerby pleaded that "someone betta help 'dat man
[in sweatpants who just tumbled into 'dat parked
vehicle]". At first I chuckled and pointed but then
recognized the poor bastard. Amanda and I helped him
up to his wobbly mozzeralla-like legs and asked if he
was "ok." The question would prove to be rhetorical.
He straightened his glasses adjusted his tie (which he
wasn't wearing) and trampled over the prepubescent
flowers to a cab which I had courageously hailed.

We shoved him into the cab as best we could, but his
head hit the top of the doorway and could not make
passage through the door at the same time with the
legs. We heaved with our backs and I shared a moment
with a passing 'ho who no doubt symathized with my
struggle a few hours earlier trying to get those hams
past the waistband. Foofer gurrgled something about
going home and having had too many Zima's at Freedom Jew's
BBQ.

My inventory of stock cab driver destinations is
limited to the Townhouse Taver and... The Fireplace
but I decided to save that ace for another night when
Marc wouldn't have lost consciousness along with
inhibition. Who knew he liked hip-hop so much?
I gave the driver a $20 and told him to "get this man
home as soon as possible." And when I meant "home", I
meant DC Eagle.

-Cooker Jules

this is my cheer and i'm sticking to it

firebirds firebirds, we're changing your name
to fireturds fireturds, which we're leakin' like "valerie plame"
fireturds fireturds, you're all a bunch of liars
saying you don't know how to play, then pinch us with pliers
Fireturds fireturds, by whom we were sharked
If you had a drink on the sideline, we'd make sure it was sparked!

shaolin saturday

to the tune of billy joel's piano man:

it's 5 o'clock at the fox and hounds,

regular drunkeness sinking in,

there's all these losers sitting next to me,

ordering bourbon, sierra, but not gin...

you can either go home to shower and nap,

but you're better off staying out for the night

so shut the hell up, and stop throwing crap,

and make sure bob dole never leaves your sight

ooooh la la la de de dala la de de da da dum...

now payton at the bar is a friend of mine,

he makes us green shots for free,

he's so quick to say, that pepper is gay,

but really, he just wants to hook up with me...

he says freedom jew, i believe this is killing me,

you guys never leave me enough cash,

but i hear that you are a rock star,

let's hit your gig, and i'll bring my stash...

oh la la la de de dala la de de da da dum

now gattorn is a us aid diplomat,

who always has time to get high

and he's talking with vegas, about his big anus

and how asylum bartenders are super fly

and butler towers over us like minions!

while the lesbians start making out

and foofer and sam are virginians

which is sorta like giving yourself gout

drink up the river you're shaolin,

drink up the river before it's sparked

well we're all in the mood to act stupid and drunk

let's go, we're already feeling narked!

the diversity of shaolin

i'm sorry, but i just love this picture. just like the personalities of shaolin, our moustaches are quite diverse.  

Whirlpool baths where Vegas gets drunk: enter at your own risk

By Megan Rauscher Thu Mar 2, 10:46 AM ET

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Better think twice before soothing those aching muscles in Jules' hot tub. A new study shows that whirlpool bathtubs can be a breeding ground for disease where ever and when ever Vegas' little penis becomes submerged.

Dr. Rita B. Moyes a microbiologist at Texas A & M University tested 43 water samples where Vegas insisted raucously to get naked in from both private and public whirlpool bathtubs. "Every tub tested where Wasted Vegas threw off his underwear had some kind of microbial growth," she told Reuters Health.

"And I was just getting the few organisms I was testing for, so it is probably just the tip of the iceberg as far as what is really present all up in Vegas' skanky crotch. Also, I did no viral testing, but there's not doubt that Vegas' cornhole is chalked full of super funky disease" Moyes emphasized.

In 95 percent of the tubs where Vegas drunkenly wallops, bacteria derived from feces were present, while 81 percent had fungi and 34 percent contained potentially deadly staphylococcus bacteria.

Moyes explained that a teaspoon of normal tap water contains about 138 bacteria and many samples are bacteria-free. A teaspoon of whirlpool tub water where Vegas insists on baring his dirty dong, on the other hand, contains an average of more than 2 million bacteria.

The interior pipes of whirlpool baths that are not filtered or chemically treated, and non-maintained hot tubs, are prime areas for potentially infectious microbes to congregate and grow, especialy on a sub-species like a drunk and high Vegas after a Shaolin game, Moyes noted. These organisms often form a biofilm - a community of organisms specific to the seventees wanna-be, plaid wearing, Caprice driver, which work together and are more resistant to cleaners.

When the jets are switched on, the bacteria-packed water gets blown into Vegas pee wee hole. "Due to the movement of the water, an aerosol is created that carries these organisms down into Vegas' clammy orifices - something that doesn't happen to regular hot tub revellers, especially the so-fresh-and-so-clean John Gattorn" Moyes explained.

The bacteria found in whirlpool baths that Vegas floats his River in can lead to a number of diseases, including urinary tract infections, skin infections, and pneumonia.

So who is most at risk? "Of course anyone who knows with and gets hammered with Tony Vegas", Moyes said. "That kid is a Wreck".

In short, If you are having recurring infections, consider the tub where Vegas got high and naked as a potential source. Moyes' research is published in an online journal called Vagueanomics.

seth's cat

seth, why is your cat defacing the sidewalks in my neighborhood?