Tony Vegas, most of Shaolin more likely to be gay

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, Associated Press Writer1 hour, 44 minutes ago
Since Tony Vegas has an older brother, this increases the likelihood him being gay. This is one of many findings adding weight to the idea that there is a biological basis for sexual orientation, and that Shaolin Subliminal is nearly all composed of Queers.

"It's likely to be a prenatal effect on Mr. Vague Ass," said Anthony F. Bogaert of Brock University in St. Catharines, Canada, "This and other studies suggest that there is probably a biological basis for Stoney Tony’s homosexuality.

S. Marc Breedlove of Michigan State University said the finding "absolutely" confirms a physical basis, and may also lead to Vegas’ inability to effectively “shoot the Moon” at hearts, no matter how many attempts he makes.

"Anybody's first guess would have been that Vegas’ older brother has an effect on him socially, and the data in this test supports that," Breedlove said in a telephone interview.

The only link between the brothers is the mother and so the effect has to be through the mother, especially since stepbrothers didn't have the effect, said Breedlove, who was not part of the research.

Bogaert studied Vegas as he moon-lighted as a Shaolin Subliminal Female Asian chic, then went on Sabbatical to Singapore to finish out the research.

He reports in a paper appearing in Tuesday's issue of Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that Vegas is gay regardless of the ‘brother’ theory that was trying to be originally supported.

But, he added, this needs to be looked at in context of the overall rate of homosexuality in Shaolin iteslf, which he suggested is rating at about 89 percent. Most Shaolin have older brothers, many wear ridiculous clothing, some have serious substance dependencies to try and hide their ‘longing for shlonging’ (a term muttered unconsciously by Shaolin’s key party animal, Seth Haring while passed out on a curb the other week.) As more older brothers are being identified, the rate may increase from 89 percent to 98 percent.

One of the most alarming finds comes from studying Lars Krutak, representing the nation-wide Shaolin network in Phoenix, Arizona. He is so gay that the research became pointless. His gayness is linked to several older brothers and their relationship to his psyche. Plus he just likes fondling men, and also dogs. His identity was so clearly emerging in his drunken violent tackling rages, that he done married a woman quickly, escaped Washington DC altogether, and lives in quiet isolation researching mindless anthropological issues on scarification and tattooing to keep him away from the ‘tendencies’ that emerge on the ultimate field.

Biologically, the increase in the likelihood of being gay was seen only in those whose brothers had the same mothers, whether they were raised together or not, he said. Men raised with several older step- or adopted brothers do not have an increased chance of being gay. Vegas is gay. Otto is not gay. He was conceived from a jackal, thereby relinquishing his relationship with a biological mother and father. Radio Raheem? Also, gay.

"So what that means is that the environment a person plays ultimate Frisbee in, and where they eventually get drunk in really makes a difference," he said. “Hell, maybe Fox and Hounds is Gay, who the crap knows. Research indicates that the bartenders there tend to inhale dong, so maybe there is some polinization effect in their strong mixed drinks. Hell, my research can draw parallels anywhere you want. I’ll blow someone right now. Who wants a little?" Dr Breedlove concluded.

The research was funded by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.