What I’ve learned from Shaolin Subliminal:
If you want to become Shaolin, then it goes a bit like this:
You throw a Hammer or a flick or a backhand or a diss
If Buttdart tries to slow-tackle, just avoid the boy piss
Then bring absinthe to the slut puddle for Floating Happiness
We support animal rights except when they lead to goose poo,
We support oil drilling in ANWR. Why? Because cari-BOO!
We all know that sex with Benny is lazy, drunk and nearby
But on which day did Johnny Cash and Mr. Ritter die?
As 100 days of Floppy are now coming to a close,
Still don’t know what a chalupa is, but I do know where it goes.
Gattorn thought I should scare tourists with cole slaw up my nose
Seth won’t leave DC unless the beer is free at Dr. Dremo’s
It’s called the High Temple, because one must rise above
Bilingualism’s not required though - No Speaky Spanish My Love
Sometimes we play walking-disc like a Shopping Mall Granny
Vegas used to play in dresses, lest we forget that he’s a tranny
At Iota, get your brains fucked by Sanjay the Pakistani
On your birthday, get a paddlin’ with some raw meat on your fanny.
At Asylum, play some cards with Pipas, Hot Stever and Fuzy,
At Theo Raspberry’s place, cannonball into the gay jacuzzi
It’s a bad idea to mix champagne and beer and sparks and straytee
It’s impossible to catch the scary backwards-walking Yeti
You’ll have to put up with a lot of irritating spam
But don’t worry – no one ever remembers to invite Sam.
Don’t turn your back on Bob Dole or he’ll put Sparks in your beer.
Did Vegas fart again? It smells like someone died in here.
Benny J is Rockin’ B-Face, Bonnie’s swearing at some kids
Gattorn emails from his cubicle about contracting the skids
If Foofer’s not drunk in a planter, then he’s emailing “Bring it!”
I’ve been told Sam lost his virginity before his father did.
There are no disabled people, only those who have met Lars.
The grizzly bear who slammed his head into some iron bars.
If you see Jules, you might meet Mini Bruce Willis the chef
If you read email, you’ll learn the perks of dating The Hot Deaf
If the cloaking device is on, then the torpedo won’t go far
If I’m shrooming, I run away as soon as I see Ragnar
Johnny G. gets jollies with patented boob-clamp moves
Bob Dole and Floppy taught the youth as Vegas substitutes
Jenny Donutz snares the lesbos with Pat Benetar hairdos.
And we all keep Fox & Hounds in business with our intake of booze.
Seth says “Gattorn, whatcha got there?” Gattorn says, “A bad idea.”
If you’re on a different WAFC team, I wouldn’t wanna be ya.
To beat a team of Not Rods, start defense with a Flop Op,
But don’t let them down the sideline or they will be hard to stop.
When grilling out with Freedom Jew, one searches for propane
When needing sick Defense, one looks to the Bmore train
Adam and Jon from Baltimore don’t sleep; they only wait
When Bonnie scans the horizon, it’s for babies to rape
At a Pussy Palace brunch, Aurelie finds weed in the microwave,
Seth calls fivesies on his chair, and Muehlberger calls Haring gay
Gatt once said that he expects to take it in the face each day
Shapiro’s boss stopped hitting on her, cuz with him, her secret’s safe.
Vegas got his ass kicked while by himself at Asylum
Benny J fell out a car trunk at Anacostia Dim Sum
Jonathan makes his ladies come by simply yelling Boo-Ya!
Don’t fuck with Butler either, or she’ll fucking sackjitsu ya.
Don’t try to drink and talk with honorary member Otto
I’m convinced he can’t speak English whenever he is blotto
Raheem, Blackie, chicken feet, snake eyeballs, Penguido,
One day we’ll go back to the swamp for the Turtle Albino
Holidays are much better with chicks wrestling in Jello
Freedom Jew beat up Flava Flav over her yellow cello.
It’s tough to win one-on-one Tablich with Novo Byrdo
Just in case he shows up, we should keep the corned beef warm for Leo
When Vegas hits the town in shorts and bloody legs, it’s spiffy.
But it’s nothing like the spectacle when I head-butted Kiffy
Piss him off enough, you might see Travis throw his hat
Get him drunk enough, you might get to sleep with the Gatt
Poor Gattorn had never had a peek at Sunshine’s smokin’ boobs
So he traded in the boombox for a North Pole prostitute
He held High Noon in the Lesbaru with three-foot Oracle tubes
Then couch-flipped Aurelie and wrote Food Rap Number Two:
McDonald’s breakfast sandwich Ham-mers, tacos, cole slaw, pumpkin pie
Flank spank, mushrooms, cake & cock, Ben’s Chili Bowl has good cheese
fries
Eat some Roshan Buzznana bread, turf the river, go Calzonee
Veggie burgers take forever from my favorite waiter Stressy
ValuJet is tasty but straight Hypnotic makes you pucker
Adam Sandy truly is the planet’s baddest motherfucker.
Don’t use a fork to eat salmon, use bears claws – don’t be silly!
At the pussy palace, they use fingers to brush their teeth with chili
If spiking Easter eggs with ham and tampons makes a Jew a sinner,
Then fuck it, let’s get drunk. Pass me a Sparks - it’s what’s for
dinner.
What goes in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it’s Asylum food
And his hand in bowls of hummus might be funny, but it’s rude.
If we throw the final endzone point to Sunny, she’ll get nude
The hotness of our women makes male opponents come unglued.
Don’t listen to Sam at games when he yells “Don’t play defense!”
But please put Mark in a taxi if he’s sputtering nonsense
Vegas is the copycat graffiti artist Borf.
Gattorn uncovered my goat-kissing passion down at ORF.
I know not what epithelial cells or diverter valves are for
But I know when he’s not calling plays, NedRod’s out hunting boar
Sometimes we pick ‘em wrong, like with the short-lived Naughty Nurse
Once Socca Mom socked rednecks, and they had to call a hearse
Travis beat that tired joke like Tina got beat up by Ike
But he never joined us dancing with white people at Cheese Spikes
I punched my way out of the womb, grew a Mohawk, threw a hammer
Not good in bed? Gattorn gives lessons daily – “How To Ram Her.”
Douche Bag, Skid Mark, Taint, Big Lez, Dutch Oven, what’s that stench?
If Sunshine had gone bowling, kids would have seen the name trench
drench.
Turd Burglar is still looking to borrow a power sander
Herpes Magnet’s not sure if he’s ever seen Supreme Commander.
Gattorn drove 50 hours from Sir Lanka in a taxi
Just to demonstrate a reacharound on Buttdart with a Maxi
For your initiation, you might get an alley test
Buy her a finger blaster, you might bump with Sunny’s chest
Gattorn will tell you that he likes big veiny titty sag
But he’ll ditch the oney-bat if you’re caught with a paper bag
At the Pussy Palace peep show, you might get a sampling
At Seth’s apartment, Vegas might give you a 6/6 trampling
If you get conned into playing Swill Trek, Gatt will teach you how to
Spock it
Hang with the Butt, you’ll rock it, cock it, & bootyshake knock it.
DC9, Black Cat, the Raven, Townhouse, and the Wonderland
Five nights a week, Aurelie’s got a gig with a new band
Millie & Al’s, Staccato, Velvet Lounge, and Dan’s Tavern
Don’t pass the salt to Vegas or he’ll give you an ice burn.
When it comes to playing ultimate, we’ve got a lot to learn,
When it comes to randy sailors – sportin’ mast, lookin’ for stern.
Gattorn may have had butt sex with half of Team Barely Legal
But Vegas gets his kicks pantomiming a squashed seagull.
I was surprised to learn our shirts really say Subliminal
But I know once River Phoenix flows…Resistance, it Is Futile.
Whether babysitting Kuma, Tommy or their Boise Joe,
Shaving down my mohawk or out punching homophobes,
Pick a smoking lesbian, it doesn’t matter which,
She’ll stand ten feet tall and stick a knife up the fuck your ass,
bitch.
Freedom Jew is our connection to the Gaylord’s sweet hot tub
She sings Van Halen like a pterodactyl when in the mushroom club
Sitting in a disc golf basket, ducking a Vegas throw
Renting out her place to Puerto Ricans she doesn’t know
Mr. Muehlberger keeps hotboxing until he gets all blazed
Then demonstrates centrifugal force – you’ll be shocked and amazed!!!
Provided he has had his daily dose of gefiltefish
A short-range Orcus hammer is a guaranteed swish.
MLK, Arbor Day, Easter – with Vegas, take your pick
Every single game at Bluemont is an annual classic
He never got a hole in one for a butt shot; that’s tough,
But why does everybody always have to talk about stuff?
She thought that Gatt was selling his front porch seats on Ebay
And she’s always up for groin massage or rusty ukelele
In a life-or-death decision, she’d resort to cryptophage
But she used wedgies and rib punches in her 9:30 Club rampage
Hot admissions guy totally wants her cuz she’s a Freak of the Industry
She gave Seth a Floppy penis at his Superbowl party
She threw Frisbees out my car window and tamp-bombs the other direction
Fortunately when she tossed his underwear, Vegas didn’t have an
erection.
He might have a part-time job assisting Senator Bob Dole,
But he’ll be the first to text you that he doesn’t have a soul.
If instead he texts you something about cellist Yo Yo Ma,
You’ll likely find him on the curb next to officers of the law.
Pumpkin pie and motorcycle wipeouts leave him sore,
But his Jeffrey Dahmer freezer proves that he’s a carnivore.
Though he’s angry cuz ski tickets rose in price under Clinton
He still likes Adam Sandy cuz their hearts ain’t as black as their
skin.
Johnny G only masturbates to photos of Johnny G,
He travels as a diplomat, with a wallet full of weed.
His office doesn’t know he smokes, cause they haven’t made him pee.
But you’d think they’d get a clue from his “I Got Stoned In Gaza” tee.
Whether in Serbia, Liberia, East Timor or Iraq,
He’s sure to find a hot chick bartender on which to mack.
Each of this legend’s testicles weighs well over a pound
He loves to sing Amazing Grace, How Fuckin’ Sweet the Sound
One might accuse this team of suffering from mass delusion.
Pass me a Super Awesome and I’ll get to my conclusion:
Maybe we never won the lame WAFC Spirit Award,
But I never had a Subliminal day which left me bored.
Tablich, hearts and hockey, flip cup, bowling, shuffleboard
When sprinting backwards into valet signs, make sure to hit record.
From Seneca to Bluemont, College Park to the Woodshed
With our daily Sparks intake, I’m surprised that none of us is dead
From Callahans to savage days to smoking Amazon plays,
From the Fireplace to Haydees to U Street stumble parades.
My life in Shaolin t-shirts often seems a purple haze,
What does the back mean? Oooh! Very bad word, I cannot say.
To be a monk or priestess, one must betray zero fear
Gatt got confused, thinking it had to do with phones in beer
Sparkosa, Sparkarita, Sparking doesn’t need a reason
With our warped logic, Oh-and-13 was our golden season
I’m bummed I never saw scar shots through Gattorn’s congealed pus.
Jealous that you’re not Shaolin? Don’t hate cuz you anus.
Whether we lose in Anacostia or Stadium Shaolin,
Rockville, Fairfax, Polo Fields – That’s a paddlin’
When Jodi witnessed dog poo slow tackles, she yelled Achtung McCracken!
But if it came out of my body, how can it be bad to put back in?
These are the things you’ll do if you should enter Shaolin Nation.
For your first year we’ll provide you with an Elena translation
Tweedling the box, getting kicked out of the Fox,
Running five kilometers for the first Idiotarod
Six PBRs, an Irish Car Bomb, some expired Xanax.
What was that thing? Oh, just my liver slipping ‘tween the cracks.
Megaritas, Cloaking Device, 50-cent High Life
Hold the line, drink bags of wine, and let the hammers fly…
Snorting bourbon, smoking pot, and eating lots of shrooms
With Rebecca, Tess, both of the Jens, Dayna & Big Black Boo.
Two jumping jacks! A cheer! SHAOLIN HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!
Intervention? It’s a trap. Get an axe. For true.
